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Season 5, Episode 3
Encyclopedia-Portlandia Season-1 titlecard placeholder-01.jpg
Air date January 22, 2015
Written by Fred Armisen, Carrie Brownstein, Jonathan Krisel, Karey Dornetto & Graham Wagner
Directed by Jonathan Krisel
Episode Guide
The Fiance

Healthcare is the third episode of Season 5 of Portlandia. It is also the fortieth episode overall.


A series of health ailments creates a desperate search for medical solutions


  • 0:00 Women & Women First — Candace has a heart attack.
  • 0:49 THEME
  • 1:10 Brandon and Michelle go to doctor (Ed Begley Jr.), nutritionist, herbalist
  • 2:40 Doctor sees Peter & Nance; they talk about Italy; Peter has cancer — "another 40-42 years to live". He wants to enroll in Make-a-Wish.
  • 4:40 Candace in the hospital — doctor tells to EXERCISE — Candace shows breast (LOL)
  • 5:26 Brandon and Michelle learn about raw milk from an outdoor seller; their symptoms disappear when they drink it; the seller gets arrested


  • 7:04 Nance tries luck with Make-a-Wish Foundation


  • 8:06 Nance lies to Peter about his wish being granted
  • 9:11 T&C do water aerobics; are intimidated by the pool skimmer; Candace ends up back in the hospital — heart transplant imminent
  • 10:34 Brandon and Michelle milk a cow and start tripping on raw milk; decide to start selling it in the waiting room
  • 11:58 Nance tries cold-calling around for Peter's wishes; Peter annoys her with the bell; she tries getting cancer herself by smoking, cellphones, microwave, asbestos, tanning — doc says she's FINE!


  • 13:52 Candace wants to know about her heart donor (it's a man) — "A man's organ in a woman's body is wrong!" Dr. Begley holds a conference about animal-to-human transplants — possible in 30 years.
  • 17:07 Raw milk business gets raided by the cops. Brandon and Michelle outrun the cops.


  • 18:10 Peter wakes up and finds Nance gone. He catches up with her at CHERNOBYL where she's trying to get cancer. They apologize and talk about Italy. Bridgette Nielsen cameo.
  • 20:45 Aftermath of Candace's surgery — she starts behaving like a monkey.
  • 21:10 Credits (Dr. Begley)
  • 21:35 END


Main Cast

Guest Starring

  • Ed Begley Jr.
  • Brigitte Nielsen


  • Glory Bangs
  • Ryan Findley
  • Dan Liu
  • Katie Michels
  • Betty Moyer
  • Ho Pham
  • Susan Rice
  • Josiah Zimmer


Memorable quotes

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