|Season 5, Episode 3|
|Air date||January 22, 2015|
|Written by||Fred Armisen, Carrie Brownstein, Jonathan Krisel, Karey Dornetto & Graham Wagner|
|Directed by||Jonathan Krisel|
Healthcare is the third episode of Season 5 of Portlandia. It is also the fortieth episode overall.
A series of health ailments creates a desperate search for medical solutions
- 0:00 Women & Women First — Candace has a heart attack.
- 0:49 THEME
- 1:10 Brandon and Michelle go to doctor (Ed Begley Jr.), nutritionist, herbalist
- 2:40 Doctor sees Peter & Nance; they talk about Italy; Peter has cancer — "another 40-42 years to live". He wants to enroll in Make-a-Wish.
- 4:40 Candace in the hospital — doctor tells to EXERCISE — Candace shows breast (LOL)
- 5:26 Brandon and Michelle learn about raw milk from an outdoor seller; their symptoms disappear when they drink it; the seller gets arrested
- 7:04 Nance tries luck with Make-a-Wish Foundation
- 8:06 Nance lies to Peter about his wish being granted
- 9:11 T&C do water aerobics; are intimidated by the pool skimmer; Candace ends up back in the hospital — heart transplant imminent
- 10:34 Brandon and Michelle milk a cow and start tripping on raw milk; decide to start selling it in the waiting room
- 11:58 Nance tries cold-calling around for Peter's wishes; Peter annoys her with the bell; she tries getting cancer herself by smoking, cellphones, microwave, asbestos, tanning — doc says she's FINE!
- 13:52 Candace wants to know about her heart donor (it's a man) — "A man's organ in a woman's body is wrong!" Dr. Begley holds a conference about animal-to-human transplants — possible in 30 years.
- 17:07 Raw milk business gets raided by the cops. Brandon and Michelle outrun the cops.
- 18:10 Peter wakes up and finds Nance gone. He catches up with her at CHERNOBYL where she's trying to get cancer. They apologize and talk about Italy. Bridgette Nielsen cameo.
- 20:45 Aftermath of Candace's surgery — she starts behaving like a monkey.
- 21:10 Credits (Dr. Begley)
- 21:35 END
- Ed Begley Jr.
- Brigitte Nielsen
- Glory Bangs
- Ryan Findley
- Dan Liu
- Katie Michels
- Betty Moyer
- Ho Pham
- Susan Rice
- Josiah Zimmer